HOPE and FEAR
by Dr. Coral Matus
In his final published work, Rene Descartes wrote, "Hope is a disposition of the soul to persuade itself that what it desires will come to pass, which is caused by a particular movement of the spirits, namely, by that of mingled joy and desire. And fear is another disposition of the soul, which persuades it that the thing will not come to pass. And it is to be noted that, although these two passions are contrary, one may nonetheless have them both together, that is, when one considers different reasons at the same time, some of which cause one to judge that the fulfillment of one’s desires is a straightforward matter, while others make it seem difficult."
2020: as I reflect on this incredible year, I have been walking that tightrope between HOPE and FEAR.
Being the eternal optimist, I chuckle a bit when I think about how many times I said to my family, "I think that in a couple of weeks, things will settle down, or at least be a bit more clear!”
*On March 23rd, when the "shelter in place order" was placed until April 6th, I was HOPEful that my son's baseball season would simply be delayed a bit. "Or at least by graduation" at the end of May, we will be celebrating and able to be together again. Our planned family vacation which I did not cancel until the day before the "last day to cancel without penalty" was further evidence of my sometimes senseless optimism.
Image source: Unsplash
I don't regret having that HOPE; it is certainly what kept me going every time I walked into the hospital (never knowing what the new protocol today might involve) in scrubs which I knew I would doff immediately upon returning home, quickly tossing them into the washing machine, using Clorox wipes to cleanse anything I had touched, leaving my shoes at the garage door, and proceeding directly to the shower to cleanse any bit of risk I might be bringing to my family. It wasn't fear that made me double mask, purchase three sets of goggles until I found one that fit just right, wash my hands even more than my normal obsessive-compulsive behavior, sometimes until they were cracked and burning when I’d opt for the quick alcohol-based hand sanitizer until I could get to a sink. It wasn’t fear—it was hope that I could protect my family while continuing to do what I love and believe I was called to do.
The first tears were motivated by FEAR, as I stood at the door of the emergency department room, not allowed to reenter as they were preparing to intubate my patient. When she presented to my office on March 12, we were still under “restricted mask protocol”, so it wasn’t until near the end of our interaction when she mentioned that her cough was ”a bit worse than her usual asthma cough” that I grabbed a mask and finished my exam. Two days later, I called for a second time to try to get a COVID-19 test, but was told she wasn’t sick enough. We opted for oral steroids, HOPEing that this would treat her ‘asthma exacerbation‘, but on post-office day #4, when a follow up phone call revealed that she could not even speak in full sentences, she finally acquiesced to mine insisting that she go to the hospital. Our eyes connected - I tried to convey through my mask and goggles that it was going to be OK. No time to chat, explain, hold her hand. Instead, I cried in the next room- tears of fear for her, for the unknown; tears of anger for not being able to get answers earlier, for not being able to prevent this ending. Each morning, the 6 am rush to look at her data... vitals, labs, vent settings—HOPEing for just a glimmer of improvement, that I would be able to tell her son that she was ‘out of the woods’, mixed with FEAR that...a different conversation may be in our future.
When we were ordered to "shelter in place", HOPE led to excitement that we were on our way to ending this pandemic, and that my family would be safe and protected. Each day around noon, HOPE led me to consult the ODH COVID website with anticipation that the number of cases would decline today. HOPE led to JOY on day 10 after my inpatient week ended, when I felt confident that I could connect with my spouse and kids for 3 days before my next inpatient week began.
Sources
Descartes, René. (2015). The Passions of the Soul and Other Late Philosophical Writings. (M. Moriarty, Trans.). Oxford University Press.
Dr. Coral Matus is a family medicine physician at the University of Toledo Medical Center. She is also the Assistant Dean of Clinical Medical Education as well as the Foundational Sciences Thread Director at the UTCOMLS.
