Self-Diagnosis
by Dr. Clay Rice
Image source: Unsplash
I tried to go on WebMD
To diagnose what’s wrong with me,
But as I scrolled eagerly on
I quickly and decidedly happened upon
A terrifying conclusion:
Unless it’s some delusion,
Then by and by
I am simply doomed to die.
I have a rash, a cough, a wheeze,
An itch, a fever, a violent sneeze.
I have aches and pain and rhinitis,
A headache, nausea, and possibly otitis.
My symptoms I entered and then awaited
For the screen to load with my breath bated.
A list of illnesses out it spat;
I read them all: “I think I have that!”
Norovirus, strep, and the flu;
Smallpox, Lyme’s, and eczema too;
West Nile, Neisseria, tuberculosis;
Pasteurella, meningitis, brucellosis.
The list is as long as a CVS receipt;
How is it possible everything to treat?
I may only have a day to live
My very survival I misgive.
Thank goodness I got diagnosed online
So I can plan my funeral just in time.
Dr. Clayton Rice is a recent graduate of the UTCOMLS. He is now a PGY1 at Cahaba Medical Care with the University of Alabama in Birmingham Family Medicine Residency Program in Birmingham, AL.
