If I Kept a Diary in Medical School: Feeling Human Again
by Brooke Buckingham
I. The boy stands next to me
Grasps a human heart between his palms
Traces the familiar path
Each ventricle and valve
An art major for a short time
He put pencil to paper for hours
Memorizing features of the human body
Recognizing human variation as beauty
He understands the privilege
Of holding a once pumping
Human heart
Not simply a study tool
This organ once delivered oxygen
To every cell in a breathing body
And in this moment
I think I love him
I tell him this
While the person to whom this heart belongs
Whispers to me
Your time is limited
II. The boy has dark brown eyes
It’s embarrassing
How he strains my heart
I hope he can’t hear the thumping
An annoying song between us
Humming relentlessly
A constant reminder
That he must be nearby
What began as innocent eye contact
Now an inevitable and seamless bond
I admire him much more closely
The patterns of braids in his hair
High cheekbones
Perfectly shaped lips
He makes art
And he is art
My organs pulsing notes
To the rhythm of him
Warming me at the drive-in
Locking us out of our cabin
Midnight, dripping in our bathing suits
Under the Kentucky stars
Kicking his ski off on the chair lift
Squeezing my hand on the plane
Ending our hike early
Because he “accidentally looked down”
The boy is scared of heights
But is always insisting on traveling
And for each memory
My body a persistent melody
III. The boy brushes against me in his new white coat
I know he will be a better physician than me
Out of hours spent pondering life
His apartment being the first
I have ever kept a toothbrush
Always finding it difficult to leave
The way he processes the world
Pulling me back with every breath
His simple presence
Reminding those around him
Physical existence is purely a vessel
Organs only moving parts
In the constant search for human connection
When he tells me he is seeing someone new
I think maybe I can understand
Exactly what an arrhythmia feels like
My heart is singing back to me
Because it was keeping track
The emotions we felt
Time spent in contemplation
About religion, relationships, the future
Sentiments existing eternally
Frozen in the space between us
For every memory we have made
Will be emulated again
Between friends, relatives,
Partners, and even strangers
For as long as humanity exists
These immaculate emotions
Regardless of how strongly I felt them
Were not unique to us
And this is what makes us human
Brooke Buckingham is a fourth-year medical student at the UTCOMLS.
